‘Why must I expose my kids to all these sexy trains?’ How the world will react to the new Thomas the

As everyone knows, Thomas the Tank Engine is the story of several straight white men who solemnly obey the every passing whim of a white, straight, male dictator in a crude reinforcement of the belief that the working class should know its place. It is outmoded and outdated, and it teaches children nothing but dangerous stereotypes about the world.

Thankfully Mattel, the company that now owns Thomas, has decided to do something about this. A forthcoming straight-to-DVD movie, The Great Race, promises to introduce a host of new friends who will forcefully inject a little more diversity into the Cumbrian island of Sodor. Many of the new characters will come from emerging global markets such as China and Brazil. Four of them are even female. Together, they will travel to Sodor to take part in an Olympic-style test of international ability.